


The First Rule of Fight Club

by boywholivednotdied



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam discovering his feelings, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Get Together, M/M, Pining, Play Wrestling, Ronan pining, beginning of BLLB, get together fic basically, set after TDT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 14:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11510994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boywholivednotdied/pseuds/boywholivednotdied
Summary: Plagued by Cabeswater's frightening visions, Adam decides to take Ronan up on his offer to teach him how to fight





	The First Rule of Fight Club

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alobear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alobear/gifts).



> Due to the absolutely incredible response I've received thus far from the TRC fandom, I decided to do another pynch fic for the WIP Big Bang this year. Immense thanks to alwaysemrys and thelynchbros (as usual) for beta reading the fic. You guys are the actual best, thank you! Also huge thanks to my WIP big bang artist alobear, for the lovely art and the encouragement! 
> 
> This fic is set around the end of Dream Thieves, beginning of Blue Lily, Lily Blue. If you've read either of my other pynch fics you would know that my comfort zone is Ronan's POV. But here I am, leaving my comfort zone. Whoops. Though it's about time I wrote about Adam falling in love with Ronan, right? 
> 
> As usual, warnings include swearing (Ronan is in this, so duh), and mentions of Adam's abuse

****The thing about Ronan Lynch was that he wasn’t like other Aglionby boys.

Adam used to think he was, what with his constant disdain for everyone around him, his fancy car, his sloppy uniform that he didn’t need to keep clean because he knew if it got too dirty he could just buy a new one. Adam used to hate that about him. He used to hate _him._ Used to hate the way he’d strut around after Gansey and sit with his shoes on his desk; the way he was disrespectful to teachers; the way he would drink as though the world was ending the next morning.

But over the course of their reluctant friendship, Adam had come to realise that there were things about Ronan that undeniably set him apart from the other ‘raven boys’. For one, when Ronan called him a loser, he was just being an asshole. He was doing it to rile Adam up, to encourage his anger. In his own peculiar way, it was Ronan establishing their friendship. Attempting to get a rise out of Adam meant that Adam’s reactions mattered to him. When other Aglionby boys called him a loser, it meant they thought he was pathetic. That they knew he worked three jobs and never vacationed anywhere. It meant they thought he was unworthy of their time. Adam knew he didn’t matter to any of them.  

Adam used to think of Ronan as that boy who’d been in the grocery store the day Adam hadn’t had enough money to pay for his stuff. He remembered a boy with a shaved head and a raven-breasted sweater pass him as he stood staring at his tube of toothpaste and four cans of microwave ravioli, his eyes burning and his heart full of shame. That careless, shallow, confident boy with the sleek car had always worn Ronan’s face in Adam’s memory, but over time he had to admit to himself that this imagined version of Ronan no longer matched up to the real thing.

Still, Adam wasn’t quite sure why he was doing it. Something powerful and unyielding was obviously possessing him, ripping away his logic and rationality. Maybe it was Cabeswater. Or maybe Adam just had a death wish.

He stood before Ronan’s door and knocked for the third time.

He heard Ronan moving around inside, dull thumps against the wooden flooring, and figured Ronan’s horrible EDM was too loud for him to hear the knocking. Which meant that if Adam really wanted to speak to him, he’d have to walk in without permission. And only Gansey could get away with that.

Except Adam had a feeling he maybe could get away with it, so he knocked again and opened the door. Ronan jerked around and stumbled backwards into a stack of CDs which crashed to the floor. CDs skittered to every corner of the room, making Chainsaw flap wildly. Ronan ripped off his headphones.

“What the fuck, Parrish?” Ronan asked. He’d sounded angry but not venomous, which was a good sign. Ronan’s anger was normal, his venom was to be avoided.

“I knocked four times,” Adam said, surveying the mess. “You obviously didn’t hear it.”

“Which _obviously_ means I want to be left the fuck alone.” Ronan threw his headphones onto the bed and Adam couldn’t help but flinch, knowing how much they cost, knowing he probably couldn’t afford them unless he sold one of his kidneys.

“Gansey will be back with the food soon.”

“So you were bored?” Ronan asked, mockingly. “You want me to entertain you?”

Adam felt the urge to roll his eyes but resisted. The truth of the matter was that he _was_ in the wrong. He had no right to act snarky with Ronan, especially not right before asking him for a favour. Ronan got down on his knees and began collecting the CDs. Adam joined him.

“I wanted to ask you something, but I didn’t want Gansey to be around when I asked.”

Ronan’s expression stilled. He kept his eyes fixed on the CDs in his hand, the anger from before replaced with a look Adam pretended he couldn’t read. Ronan picked up an Avenged Sevenfold disk, gripping it far too tightly.

“I was wondering,” Adam said. “If that offer - er… the one to teach me how to fight, was still on the table.”

Ronan looked up at him, eyebrows knotting. “What?”

“When I was living with my parents,” Adam said. “You offered to teach me how to fight.”

“Yeah? And you said no, like… three times.”

“My dad had a gun, Ronan.” He didn’t need to explain anymore. Ronan’s expression sobered up. “But now… uh… well…”

“Something wrong?”

“No, it’s just…” If Adam thought Ronan’s fear was uncomfortable, being the recipient of one of his soft looks was unbearable. Adam had never done anything to deserve softness from anyone. He averted his eyes. “Cabeswater. It keeps contacting me, and… well, honestly, sometimes it can get a bit terrifying. Weird things happen, and sometimes it’s hard to tell if the weird things are because of Cabeswater or… I don’t know, a threat. If I knew how to fight I think I’d feel… safer, I guess.”

Ronan stopped stacking CDs. Something flickered in his eyes. It looked like fear, like worry, like hesitation. His wrist twitched, and Adam knew he was resisting the urge to chew on the leather bands there.

“The memories are never going to leave me,” Adam said, and he wasn’t sure why he said it. Ronan looked up at him. “Memories of my dad, of him…you know,” he bit his lip. “I still want to do it.”

Ronan dropped his gaze and nodded. “Ok.”

“Really?” Adam asked.

“Don’t fucking push it, Parrish. I said ok.”

Adam scratched the back of his ear. “You don’t want anything in exchange?”

“You don’t fucking have anything to give me in exchange.”

A comment like that would have normally made Adam feel a hot flood of rage and shame, but he was used to Ronan’s barbs, used to his gruff way of talking. This was familiar, this was Ronan. In fact, Adam was almost relieved to hear him say something so quintessentially _him_. Adam rolled his eyes, as they both expected, and then nodded. “Thanks.”

“Whatever,” Ronan said. “Why is this a secret from Gansey?”

“You know how he gets. If he knows I’m worrying he’ll make me move here or something.”

“And what’s wrong with that? You wouldn’t feel safer here?”

“I don’t want to rely on other people to feel safe,” Adam said, without thinking.

But Ronan nodded like he understood. “Yeah, and if you told him you were freaked out and _didn’t_ move here, I can’t fucking imagine what he’d do. He’d probably hire a babysitter to follow you around and force feed you carrots and shit.”

Adam snorted. “I’m surprised he hasn’t done so already.”

Ronan grinned that shark-smile of his, showing off rows of white teeth. “So the first rule of Fight Club is ‘You do not talk about Fight Club’.”

Adam laughed. The doorbell rang, and Ronan gestured towards it. “Pizza’s here.”

He took the stack of CDs from Adam’s hands, and Adam was probably imagining it, but it felt like Ronan’s fingers lingered on his for a moment.

“Don’t make this a habit,” he said. “I don’t need people walking into my room without knocking.”

“I did knock,” Adam said. “Four times.”

“Fuck off, Parrish,” he said and Adam laughed again.

*     *     *

Adam couldn’t help but be surprised by how easy it had been. Yes, Ronan had been offering to teach him to fight since he’d found out about Adam’s abuse, but Adam hadn’t wanted to owe anyone anything - least of all Ronan. And he’d known even then that fighting back would only encourage his father to pull his shotgun off the wall and aim it between his son’s eyes like a pig he was slaughtering for dinner. But things had changed. He and Ronan had grown close, and Adam was living alone and being frequently visited by visions of dead people and insistent supernatural forces. And given that just a little while back they were being hunted down by assassins and evil Latin teachers, Adam thought it was time he learned how to defend himself.

Ronan decided they would train at the Barns. _Lots of open space to practice,_ he’d said, _and Gansey won’t catch us._ Adam had blushed at that comment, though he wasn’t sure why. He’d never been up to the Barns alone with Ronan before. None of them had. It was always either as a group, or Ronan alone.

Ronan drove them up in his BMW since he refused to go anywhere near Adam’s ‘shitbox.’ The drive was quiet but not uncomfortable. Ronan played his music at a reasonable volume, and Adam stared out the window and watched as the brown scab of Henrietta morphed into the luscious green of the Barns.

Ronan hopped out of the car, stretching so that his tank top hitched up, and then folded his arms at the back of his head.

“You ready for this, Parrish?” he asked.

“Not really,” Adam said. He considered asking Ronan if _he_ was ready for it, but decided against it. Adam followed Ronan past massive sheds and skinny apple trees to the house.

“Mom had some yoga mats in the downstairs cupboard,” Ronan said. He gestured to the floor of the living room. He had pushed aside the furniture to make a large open space, where the yoga mats had been put down. Adam wondered when Ronan had come up here to set up.

Ronan tugged at his elbow, stretching. “I’m guessing you just want to learn the basics of defence, right?”

Adam nodded. He wasn’t planning on attacking anyone, he just wanted to protect himself. In case anything happened. Adam was strong, to be fair. He worked three jobs, all of which involved a lot of manual labour. Even though Ronan did boxing, tennis and worked on a farm, Adam was sure he did a lot more heavy-lifting than Ronan did. The problem was that Adam didn’t know how to _use_ his strength.

“If an attacker comes for you,” Ronan was saying. “Where would you hit him?”

Adam shrugged. “Well, I guess…”

“Straight for the balls. You’re a fucking savage, Parrish.” Ronan grinned, and Adam’s discomfort ebbed away. He’d been nervous all morning, not wanting to re-live the memories of when physical violence had been a constant in his life, but being in Ronan’s familiar presence had a surprisingly calming effect.

“The balls are definitely a good place,” Ronan continued, “but there are tons of weak points on the body. You could also poke him in the eyes, whack him on the nose or ears. Also good places to hit someone - the neck, the knee, and the legs.”

Adam nodded. He felt the need to write Ronan’s words down, but he was sure Ronan would knock the notebook out of his hands, so he tried to commit it to memory. _Groin, knee, legs, eyes, ears, nose, neck._

“How would I know the best place to hit them?” Adam asked.

“It really depends on how close he’s standing,” Ronan said. “For example.” He moved towards Adam. “If I’m here, you can kick me in the knee with your foot. Which means you don’t need to come any closer. But if I’m here…” Ronan moved closer. Now he was above Adam, close enough for Adam to feel his breath on his skin. Adam had to tilt his chin a little to maintain eye contact. “You can try for my eyes or my nose.”

Adam nodded. Ronan grabbed his wrist and mimed using the heel of Adam’s palm to push up on his nose. “Try that and you can break someone’s nose. Pretty effective.”

“I don’t want to know how you know that,” Adam said.

Ronan grinned, smile as sharp as his gaze. “Don’t ask and I won’t tell.”

The day continued in a similar fashion. Ronan demonstrated several ways Adam could effectively injure an attacker without any weapons, and then demonstrated what he could do to an attacker if he had a set of keys. It was a whole lot of miming, but when the two hours were up, exhaustion washed over Adam in a wave. Exhaustion was a familiar friend to him however, and he accepted it without complaint. Ronan drove them to St. Agnes, and then walked him up to his room. Adam was confused by this, until they reached his door and Ronan asked, “Could I stay here tonight?”

Adam blinked rapidly. It wasn’t the first time Ronan had slept on the floor of his room, but he usually informed him of his intentions by showing up at Adam’s place at 3am, barging in through the door, and announcing that he would be spending the night. Ronan asking politely, after the two of them had just spent hours in close proximity, was definitely something new.

“Sure,” Adam said. “Why?”

He didn’t mean it to sound rude, but the words betrayed Adam’s confusion. Ronan didn’t look offended.

“Had a nightmare last night that, uh…” he coughed. “Well, bees were involved.”

Adam nodded. It made sense. Gansey could deal with Ronan’s night horrors and terrifying dream creatures, but the bees… it would be a lot safer if Ronan stayed with Adam. Adam tossed him a blanket and Ronan spread it on the floor before throwing himself down on top of it. Adam’s bed was barely wide enough for him, and even though he felt bad for making Ronan sleep on a thin blanket on the floor, it was the only option. Ronan took off his jacket and folded it to use as a pillow. Within seconds, he was asleep. Adam had always been amused by how Ronan could fall asleep within 0.5 seconds or not at all. Adam could feel the tiredness in his bones, but he still had things to do. He went in for a brief, cold shower and then changed into his pajamas and settled down at his desk to finish off his Latin homework.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. Ronan was missing, and Adam’s homework was lying on the side of his desk, completed in a scratchy familiar handwriting that definitely wasn’t his own.

*     *     *

“Did you practice any of the stuff I taught you the other day?” Ronan asked. He slapped down the last yoga mat, and dusted his hands with a dramatic flourish.  

“Uh, no?”

“Are you taking this seriously, Parrish?”

Adam made a face at him. “Where am I supposed to find the time?” he demanded. “And who am I supposed to practice on?”

“Not my problem,” Ronan said.

His teasing would have normally annoyed Adam, but he’d grown so used to it, he didn’t think he really minded it anymore. He bent down to take off his shoes, when he felt Ronan’s gaze land on him, hot and heavy. Adam glanced up, and Ronan looked away.

“Where’s maggot been hiding?” he asked. “Noah was complaining that she doesn’t come around as much any more.”

Adam’s gut twisted. “I don’t know,” he said, breezily.

Ronan quirked an eyebrow at him, but said nothing. He knew Adam well enough to understand when he didn’t want to talk about something.

Blue was not Adam’s first relationship - if it could be called a relationship - but the ending of whatever it was had left Adam feeling hollow inside. It wasn’t so much that she no longer wanted to be with him, it was that she never really did. Or maybe she had wanted to, in the beginning, but Adam had done what he did best and chased her away. What stung him the most was that even as they were breaking up, she couldn’t admit she’d ever felt like his girlfriend. It had made him question whether all his relationships were like that. Was he just pretending that Gansey was his friend? That Noah liked him? That Ronan… well…

Maybe he wasn’t wrong about Ronan, but he never could be sure with him. Even though Gansey still seemed oblivious to the fact, Adam had figured out that Ronan liked boys pretty early on in their relationship. Ronan didn’t like talking about girls, which admittedly didn’t mean much - Adam suspected he was inexperienced, and he knew Ronan didn’t like talking much in general - but he didn’t seem to notice girls either. Adam would be flustered by a pretty waitress or a… well-endowed girl at the movie concession stand, but whenever he’d look over at Ronan he’d notice that he was just not interested. Not the way Adam and Gansey were. Adam had, for a short while, wondered if maybe Ronan just wasn’t interested in anything. But then he’d started noticing Ronan staring at boys.

Well, staring at _him._

He wasn’t sure when it started. And for the longest time he thought he was imagining it. Maybe he was. It didn’t really make sense why Ronan Lynch would be interested in him. Ronan did sometimes look at Gansey too, on days when he was particularly dishevelled, and that made sense because Gansey was Gansey - powerful and charismatic, all devastating good-looks and natural charm. And Adam hadn’t missed Ronan’s obvious fascination with Kavinsky either. So Adam had decided that given that he was _always,_ in some ways, dishevelled and that he smelled like a gas station, which Ronan was obviously into, Ronan’s attraction to him was purely a physical one.

Except then came the staring. And it happened with increasing frequency, until it was hard for Adam to pretend he was imagining it. But it wasn’t the staring that made Adam wonder if Ronan had feelings for him. The staring didn’t prove anything. What gave Adam pause was the fact that when Adam caught him, Ronan would look away and pretend he _wasn’t_ staring. It was the fact that when Adam had asked out Blue in front of Ronan, Ronan’s face had fallen like his parents had just cancelled his trip to Disney World. It was the fact that Ronan had been cold towards Blue since the day he met her, and Ronan was an asshole, but for him to be _cold_ meant he strongly disliked someone. Ronan had no reason to strongly dislike Blue. Unless, of course, he strongly disliked the fact that she was dating Adam.

Ronan had warmed up to her now, and it made Adam happy, but it also made him more confused about what that meant about Ronan’s feelings for him. Not that it really mattered _._ Adam didn’t reciprocate said feelings. He’d only recently started tolerating Ronan and all his Ronan-ness. Well, that wasn’t true. He _used_ to simply tolerate Ronan, but now they’d become friends. Adam didn’t mind the attention he received from him - if he wasn’t just making it all up - but his heart still ached for Blue, and Ronan was _Ronan._ And Adam was probably imagining the whole thing anyway.

As the second meeting of their informal fight club got underway, Adam couldn’t help but notice that Ronan was taking special care _not_ to touch him. Which was odd, wasn’t it? If Ronan had feelings for him wouldn’t he be constantly making excuses to touch him? There was a whole lot of miming again, and then Ronan started teaching Adam how to block a punch. This bit was hard, because Adam was used to ducking his head and covering his face whenever he saw a punch coming. He battled this reflex, but it still made responding in a more appropriate manner extremely hard. After another particularly obvious flinch from Adam, Ronan dropped his arms.

“We don’t have to do this, Parrish,” he said.

“Yes we do,” Adam said stiffly. “I have to learn this. I want to learn this.”

Ronan nodded. “Let’s try again.”

By the time they finished they were both covered in sweat, though Adam suspected Ronan was only sweaty from the heat. The two of them slumped down onto the floor, their backs against the sofa. Adam rested his head back against the soft pillows, staring up at the ceiling, trying to block the memories of his father, of being on the receiving end of his punches. He could feel Ronan’s gaze on him but when he turned, Ronan was staring down at his nails, his disinterest clearly rehearsed.

“Why are you helping me?” Adam asked, suddenly. He wasn’t sure why he asked it. It was a stupid, stupid question and Ronan looked up, genuine surprise on his face.

“What?” he asked.

“I mean…” Adam could feel his ears growing hot.

“You’re my friend. What kind of fucking question is that?” Ronan demanded.

“It’s not like that, I just mean…” Adam blew out a breath that made the hair on his forehead flutter. “It’s always you helping me. I’m always making you do things and I don’t ever have anything to offer in return. I know you were kidding the other day when you said I had nothing to give you in exchange, but… that’s kind of true, isn’t it?”

Ronan stared at him with an expression he couldn’t read, and it made Adam uncomfortable. It was always odd to be reminded of how complex Ronan Lynch really was. Of how he was unknowable; this creature almost as spectacular, if not more, than Gansey was. Ronan Lynch, the dreamer of dreams. The boy with infinite sides and levels. The boy who would go out drag racing and then go and attend church with his little brother who he loved unconditionally. The boy whose smile could cut glass but who held baby mice gently against his cheek to check their heartbeats. This boy was made of unfathomable stuff.

“You’re an idiot if you think that,” Ronan said, flatly. He wasn’t one for many words, but Adam wasn’t about to let that be the end of it.

“Why?” Adam said. “It’s the truth.”

“When we met,” Ronan said, “you didn’t like me.”

It wasn’t a question; they both knew it was the truth. Adam shrugged, and he hoped it looked remorseful.

“And yet, every time I went missing, you’d sneak out of your house and help Gansey look for me.”

“Well, yeah…”

“And you knew your father would get angry, but you did it anyway.”

“I guess.”

“You knew your father would beat you but you did it anyway.”

Adam’s throat felt tight. He blinked back the tears that were pricking at his eyes.

“And then you told the cops your father was fucking beating you so I wouldn’t go to jail. You were thrown out of your house because of it. But you did it. To help me.” Ronan’s light blue eyes were burning into his skin now, making him feel hot all over. “Fucking get over yourself, Parrish. Money and shit aren’t the only things of value.”

He jostled Adam as he stood up, and then walked to his car without another word.

*     *     *

“Adam!”

Matthew came bounding up to Adam as he reached the bottom of the stairs. Adam started, and then caught himself and smiled at Matthew. The youngest Lynch beamed up at him, golden curls falling into his eyes.

“Oh, hey Matthew. Were you here for church?” he asked.

It was a rhetorical question. Everyone knew all three Lynch brothers went to church together every single Sunday. Since he’d moved to St. Agnes, Adam hadn’t seen them even once. He was surprised, frankly, that Ronan had never come up to say hi after the service.

“Yes!” Matthew said. “I always wanted to come up and meet you, but Ronan said Sundays are the only days you get to sleep in.”

Adam could feel his ears growing hot, but before he had a chance to respond, Chainsaw came swooping through the air, amidst cries from old church ladies, and landed on Adam’s shoulder. Chainsaw had always favoured Adam from all of Ronan’s friends, but for the past few months she’d been getting increasingly affectionate with him. She nuzzled Adam’s neck with her head and Adam reached over to smoothen her feathers.

“How come you’re awake?” Matthew asked. “I saw you coming down the stairs, so I came running.” He grinned again at Adam.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Adam admitted. “It was really hot this morning.” _And I don’t have air conditioning_ went unsaid.  

“You should sleep at the Barns,” Matthew said. “It’s a lot cooler there. You can take my room if you’d like.”

“That’s very kind of you, Matthew,” Adam said. He was feeling extremely awkward being the focus of Matthew’s attention. He couldn’t remember ever having spoken to the youngest Lynch brother for this long. Before Matthew could say any more, however, Ronan appeared from the bathroom, loosening his tie. His hands froze on the knot when he saw Adam.

“Parrish,” he said. “You’re up.”

“I was going to get some coffee,” Adam said. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Or he thought he said it. It occurred to Adam at that moment that he hadn’t really seen Ronan in his church suit before, or that he had and hadn’t paid much attention to it. The latter seemed unlikely, however - it was incredibly hard not to stare at him in it. Even though Ronan wore it as disreputably as he could - the dark claws of his tattoo peeking out from behind his collar - it was undeniable that Adam was looking at _Ronan in a suit._ A form fitting dark blue suit, at that. He looked different, and _clean._ His cheeks were shaved, making his cheekbones more prominent, and his eyes seemed brighter than usual. He didn’t look like the Ronan who went street racing and got drunk with Kavinsky and said _fuck_ every second word.

The words _savagely handsome_ popped into Adam’s head, and he vaguely recalled thinking something similar the first time he’d ever seen Ronan.

“We could get coffee with you,” Matthew suggested enthusiastically.

“Declan wants us to get breakfast together,” Ronan reminded him.

“Can’t Adam come?”

“I don’t think Parrish wants to suffer through Declan’s company,” Ronan said.

Adam didn’t bother to pretend otherwise. He shrugged, and Matthew pouted. Ronan clicked his tongue and Chainsaw flapped off Adam’s shoulder and onto Ronan’s.

“Next time, maybe?” Adam told Matthew. “I have a lot of homework today.”

Matthew’s face immediately brightened up again, and Adam wondered when Matthew had grown to like him so much. The two of them barely interacted.

“Maybe we can go to _Ice Place?_ ” he looked up at Ronan. “Could we take Adam to _Ice Place_ next time?”

“If he wants,” Ronan said.

Matthew grinned widely. “It’s going to be so much fun,” he said.

“Looking forward to it,” Adam said. He glanced at Ronan, who wasn’t making eye contact with him, and then turned back to Matthew. “How about next Sunday?”  

*     *     *

Adam had Tuesdays and Thursdays off from work, which was when he and Ronan would drive up to the barns. After more self-defence training, which was getting more and more lax as time wore on, they would go back to St. Agnes to finish homework, or sleep. Adam hadn’t realised just how little time they’d been spending with Gansey outside of school until one evening when, on their way to St. Agnes, Adam’s stomach let out a - frankly embarrassingly - loud grumble. Ronan swerved the car and headed towards Nino’s.

“I’m not hungry,” Adam muttered.

“I am,” Ronan said. “It’s not always about you, Parrish.”

To prove this point Ronan ordered an entire pizza for himself, which he then forced upon Adam, saying that he’d ‘forgotten how big the pizzas were here.’ They both knew this particular statement was a lie, given that Ronan ate an unhealthy amount of meals at Nino’s and was probably more familiar with its menu than Blue was. But Adam was too hungry to argue. It was the end of the month, three days before he would get his pay-checks, and he was running low on everything, including shaving cream - which is why his cheeks were coated with a thin layer of stubble. Ronan kept glancing at the stubble, and Adam felt self-conscious. He’d always tried to keep himself looking respectable, and he normally would have managed his money well enough to ensure the shaving cream and razors lasted him till the end of the month. But with his self-defence training he’d had to give up a few extra shifts. His facial hair didn’t grow as fast as Ronan’s, but he was worried he’d be sporting a beard by the time his money came through.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Ronan asked. “There’s some fungus growing on it.”

“Shut up, Lynch,” Adam muttered. He rubbed his cheeks ruefully, and Ronan turned his rapt attention to the slice of pizza before him, though his eyes seemed glazed over.

“At least you can grow facial hair,” Ronan said. “When Gansey grows a mustache he looks like the kind of creep who stalks women on the street.”

Despite his better instincts, Adam laughed. He felt so much better having food in his stomach. He was about to make a comment about how it was better than when Ronan grew out his beard and looked like an escaped convict, when a flash of orange caught his attention. He stared out of the window, his breath momentarily stopping in his chest.

Outside, Blue was emerging from the Pig. Gansey was holding the door open for her. Even though they weren’t touching, there was something intimate about the moment. Like they were in their own little bubble, the rest of the world disappearing into ambient noise. Ronan followed Adam’s gaze and spotted them. He turned back to Adam, saying nothing with his words, though his eyes asked him if he was alright.

Blue and Gansey headed towards the restaurant. Adam dropped his gaze.

“Adam. Ronan,” Gansey said, noticing them instantly. Adam refrained from swearing because he knew that would absolutely delight Ronan. Gansey picked his way over to them, looking guilty. “What are you two doing here?”

“Eating pizza,” Ronan said, his voice devoid of any inflection. “What are you and Blue doing here?”

“I was just dropping Blue off for her shift,” Gansey said, sheepishly. His tone betrayed him. Adam and Ronan exchanged a look.

Gansey swallowed. He glanced back at Blue who was watching them nervously as she tied on her apron. Gansey bit his lip and then sat down in the booth besides Ronan, forcing a smile. He didn’t have to say anything. They all knew what was going on.

Adam wasn’t surprised that Gansey and Blue were seeing each other. He’d seen the way they looked at each other, heard the way they spoke to each other, and the part of himself that liked being miserable reasoned that that’s how it was always supposed to be. Of course Blue wouldn’t want to be with him if she could be with Gansey instead. It just made sense. But he couldn’t help but be surprised by the fact that they were acting on their feelings.  

He was even _more_ surprised, however, by how little it was upsetting him.

Gansey began chattering, talking about how it was nice to have a boys night, and called Noah. It was only when the pale boy arrived, when Gansey seemed to realise just how long it had been since they’d all had dinner at Nino’s.

“I feel like I’ve barely seen you two all month,” Gansey said. “Where have you been running off to?”

Noah looked pleased at this topic of conversation. He beamed at Adam and then at Ronan, who snarled at him.

“At the Barns,” Ronan said.

“Doing what?” Gansey asked.

Noah winked, and Adam ignored him. “We… uh…”

He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t in the habit of flat-out lying to Gansey, and he knew Ronan was completely opposed to lying by anything other than omission. Unless of course it was about pizza and making sure Adam ate it. But Adam also knew how Gansey would respond if he discovered that Adam had been feeling unsafe in his apartment. Gansey pushed his glasses on his nose, and then pressed his thumb to his lips.

“Are you two avoiding me?” Gansey asked. “I promise if the Glendower stuff is too much, I’ll tone it down…”

“No. _No,”_ Adam said, hastily. “It’s not that. It’s just… uh…”

“That’s exactly it,” Ronan said. “Too much Glendower shit.”

Adam shot him a glare.

“Maybe they’re off doing whatever it is you’ve been doing with Blue,” Noah suggested.

Ronan choked on his water. Gansey’s cheeks turned a brilliant pink. Noah looked positively pleased with himself. Adam sighed.

“Ronan’s been teaching me self-defence,” he said.

Gansey’s expression morphed into one of concern. “What?” he demanded. “Why didn’t you tell me this? Is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Adam said. “Things have just been a little weird with Cabeswater, and I… I wanted to feel safe.”

“Do you feel unsafe?” Gansey asked. He looked stricken. Ronan rolled his eyes.

“This is why he didn’t want to tell you,” he said, jerking his elbow into Gansey’s side.

“Adam?” Gansey asked. “You told Ronan but not me?” He looked completely wounded.

“You didn’t tell me about you and Blue,” Adam blurted out, before he could stop himself. Both Gansey and Ronan’s expressions flickered. Gansey’s took on one of utter guilt, while Ronan’s seemed to crack for a second. Adam wasn’t sure which one made him feel worse.

But they both pulled themselves together, as they always did.

“You’re right,” Gansey said. “We haven’t been completely honest with one another.” He forced a smile on his face. “Let’s all promise to be straight with each other from now on, ok?”

“That’s fine by me,” Ronan said.

“Let’s not make promises we can’t keep,” Noah said.  

Ronan glared at him. Adam had to hold back a snort.

*     *     *

The next time they drove up to the Barns, Adam came to Monmouth to say hi to Gansey and Noah first.

Noah greeted him at the door by asking him if his parents had named him after the main character in _Jumanji,_ to which Adam had responded that he had no idea what _Jumanji_ was. Noah stroked his chin, then shrugged and said, “I think his name was Alan Parrish.” He disappeared then, leaving Adam and Gansey standing awkwardly besides each other, neither willing to make eye-contact.

“Adam,” Gansey began, “I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“You don’t need to apologise,” Adam said, quickly. “You both make each other happy. Who am I to stand in the way?”

“Yes, but I should have…”

“All I care about is our friendship,” Adam said. “Is that still ok?”

Gansey cracked a smile. He gripped Adam’s shoulder. “It always will be,” he said.

The thought of Gansey and Blue together did make him uncomfortable, but it was more the lack of feeling surrounding it than anything else, that made it so. It was a little astounding that he wasn’t more crushed by the thought of them holding hands and whisperings sweet nothings to each other. He wondered what was wrong with him. Was he truly so incapable of feeling things? He’d long suspected love was an emotion he’d never quite be able to give or receive, but he really had thought he cared about Blue.

But then Ronan came out of his room, Chainsaw in tow, in his traditional dark clothes and boots, and the battle that was raging within him calmed to a hum as Adam remembered what Ronan had said the other day. Adam did have his things to offer. Why was he always doubting himself and trying to convince himself that he was broken? Why did he force himself to believe that others thought he was defined by his poverty, by his family? That Blue didn’t care for him? That Ronan and Gansey felt pity for him? He needed to stop putting himself down, to stop convincing himself that he was a monster.  

His sessions with Ronan had taken on a life of their own. Sometimes they didn’t even practice self-defence. Sometimes they walked through the Barns, and Ronan would confess things to him, things about his dreams and the truth about his little brother being one of them. Sometimes they would just sit and talk and laugh till Adam’s stomach hurt and he couldn’t catch his breath. Sometimes Ronan slept over and when Adam woke up in the morning he found dream objects scattered around his apartment - night-lights, and hand-held fans, and bottles of hand cream that smelled of moss and stopped his palms from aching.

Things were starting to get… confusing. His relationship with Ronan had shifted, had switched tracks, and something within Adam knew that things between them would never go back to the way it had once been.

On the way up to the Barns Adam kept his eyes fixed out the window, deaf ear turned towards the music. He felt Ronan glance at him several times - lingering glances - but he didn’t move. He wasn’t sure he really could.

“Gansey’s being very not-Gansey about this whole fighting thing,” Ronan said, swinging himself out of the car.

“He is,” Adam agreed. Quite honestly, he was relieved. He was touched by how much Gansey cared, but sometimes his protectiveness was stifling.

Together, Adam and Ronan walked the familiar path up to the living room. Ronan started with test punches, and Adam, feeling more and more confident with each session, blocked them easily.

“Give me a challenge, Lynch,” he said. “This is getting too easy.”

“Don’t get cocky, Parrish,” Ronan said. “You don’t want to test me.”

“Is that right?” Adam asked. He could feel a smirk threatening to break out.  

The next thing he knew they were wrestling, both of them in a tangled mess on the mats, laughing and breathing hard, skin against skin, t-shirts bunched in fists, tugging and shoving. Ronan had the upper hand for a while, but Adam managed to get on top of him and pin him down by the arms, his shirt hitching up between Adam’s legs. Adam crowed in victory, grinning down at Ronan. Their eyes met.

The air suddenly got very thin.

Ronan was breathing raggedly. Adam’s blood was buzzing, his heart thumping so hard he couldn’t form coherent thoughts. Something magnetic was pulling Adam’s face down towards Ronan’s, until their noses were bumping against each other, until their lips were hovering just a breath apart. He could feel Ronan’s eyelashes brush against his cheek.

Something slammed, and Adam jumped off Ronan, panic coursing through his body. Ronan pushed himself up on his elbows, and turned towards the door. His breath was still coming out in ragged gasps.

Declan walked into the room. Adam wondered if he had possibly ever hated him more than he did at that very minute.

“You two doing yoga?” Declan asked, voice sardonic, pointing at the mats.

“None of your fucking business,” Ronan spat. “What do you want?”

“I thought yoga was supposed to calm you down.”

Ronan bared his teeth at him. Declan glanced at Ronan’s crumpled clothes, and then at Adam, dispassionately.

“Came here to get some things of dad’s. This is my home too you know.”

“I should go,” Adam said, quickly. He grabbed his stuff, and Ronan followed him outside. They drove to St. Agnes in a different silence than they had driven up with. The air was charged with something electric.

When he got into bed that night, Adam couldn’t fall asleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about the evening, about Ronan being so close he could smell the grass on his clothes, being so close he could feel his breath on his lips, and his lashes on his cheek and his stubble against his nose.

 _Did I want to kiss Ronan Lynch?_ Adam wondered.

Yes. Yes, he did. And what was worse, he still freaking wanted to.

*     *     *

Despite the fact that Adam had barely gotten three hours of sleep the night before, he woke up feeling jittery, like he’d had six cups of coffee. He’d been so caught up with school, and saving money, and Blue and Gansey, that he’d failed to realise that when he wasn’t spending time with Ronan, he was thinking about Ronan, or even missing Ronan - which was ridiculous, because he saw Ronan all the time.

He didn’t know when Ronan had changed. When he’d become a best friend - someone he could talk to about anything, someone who could read the quirk of his lips, and make him laugh till he gasped. Someone who took care of him. Someone he wanted to protect.

The more he thought about it, the more he realised that Ronan hadn’t changed. He had. Ronan had been there for him for years - he’d always defended Adam and cared for Adam, whether it was paying his damn rent or just ordering way too much pizza so Adam wouldn’t have to go to bed starving.

It was Adam who’d changed. Adam who’d come to see Ronan as the complex, incredible creature that he was.

The revelation was driving him crazy. Adam shoved on his shoes. He had an hour before he had to get to work. He could skip breakfast and go and see Ronan. And say… what? He’d figure it out on the way. He grabbed his backpack with his work clothes and reached for the door.

There was a sharp knock on the other side. Adam’s heart jumped. Had Ronan been thinking the same thing? Had he come to see Adam before he went to work, spurred on by nothing else but the desire to see him, to be near him? With hands that were getting increasingly sweaty, Adam pulled the door open.

Every single drop of blood in his body instantly turned to ice. On the other side of the door, stood Robert Parrish. Broad-shouldered, fair-haired and thin-lipped.

“Aren’t you going to ask me to come in?” he asked.

He may not have been Ronan, but Adam Parrish had managed to bring a nightmare to life.

*     *     *

His father didn’t spend more than fifteen minutes in Adam’s apartment, but when he left Adam was shaking like a leaf. He sat down heavily on his bed, his whole body vibrating from repressed fear and anger. He felt like he had just watched the entire scene from outside his body; it hadn’t actually been _him_ avoiding his father’s eye contact and rejecting his father’s offer of a peaceful agreement outside of court. It hadn’t been his anger that had caused his father’s hand to be pierced by a thorn, hadn’t been him who - despite weeks of self-defence training - was terrified of being hit again.

He held his face in his hands, trying to calm his breathing. He didn’t hear the knocking, simply looked up to find Ronan standing before his bed, expression concerned.

“Adam?” he asked.

 _Adam._ It was all too much. Adam couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand his own name or his own face that looked so much like his father’s. He couldn’t imagine that anyone could ever love him, when the people who were supposed to love him unconditionally couldn’t.

“Why are you here?” Adam spat.

Ronan blinked. “I just…”

“So no one is allowed into your damn room without knocking first, but you can just waltz into my home whenever you feel like it?”

The words were just spewing out. Like a tsunami. Like they had with Gansey when he’d driven him to Monmouth after his father had been arrested. He couldn’t stop them.

Ronan’s expression grew more concerned. He lifted up his arms in submission, but the words were burning Adam’s throat, were making his eyes water.

“You think you can just walk in here because you paid my rent, is that it? That I’m somehow indebted to you because I asked for your help?” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ronan asked. He sounded angry but Adam knew he was worried. Adam couldn’t look at him. “You know that isn’t what this is. If you want me to leave, I’ll fucking leave. If you want me to never come back, I won’t. But not before you tell me why you’re being a fucking asshole.”

“Because I _am_ a fucking asshole,” Adam shouted. “I’m garbage from a garbage family, and everyone sees me that way, so you might as well start too. Everyone knows I’m unloveable trailer trash. Blue finally figured it out, didn’t she?” Adam stared at the floor, unable to look Ronan in the eye.

He heard Ronan suck in a breath.

“Did he hit you?” he asked, and his voice was like sandpaper.

“Who?”

“You know who, Parrish. Did he fucking touch you?”

Adam rubbed his arm, his eyes filling with tears again. “No.”

“Why the fuck was he here? Don’t you have a goddamn restraining order? What did he want?”

“To settle things. He didn’t want to take it to court.”

“And?”

“I told him to fuck off.”

Adam felt the bed sink beside him. “Good,” Ronan said. “You’re lucky I wasn’t here. The bastard would have heard a lot worse from me.”

Adam’s breath was rattling around in his chest. Ronan gripped the back of his hand and squeezed, and Adam could feel the fear slowly leaking out from his pores, the stutter of his heart rate slowing down.  

“I’m sorry,” Adam said, and it sounded odd. He couldn’t remember if he’d ever truly apologised to Ronan for anything before. They fought all the time, but more often than not the arguments disappeared naturally, both of them forgetting why they were angry, or with clumsy attempts at making up that had never truly included apologies. But if there was ever something to apologise for, this was it.

“You don’t owe me shit,” Ronan said. “You fucking know that, right?”

“I know,” Adam ran his hand through his hair. “The pleasure of my company is payment enough.”

“Asshole,” Ronan said, and laughed breathily, like he was relieved, like he was as close to tears as Adam was.

Ronan held on to his hand till Adam had to go to work.

*     *     *

Ronan’s car was parked outside Boyd’s when Adam emerged at the end of his shift. His breath hitched in his throat in a way it never really had before, and he felt a strange light headedness as he got into the passenger seat.

Ronan didn’t greet him, and Adam was about to make a sarcastic comment until he turned towards Ronan and the words died on his lips. Ronan was staring straight ahead, his eyes dark, his lips pressed thin.

“What’s the matter with you?” Adam asked.

“Nothing,” Ronan said, quietly.

“It’s obviously something.”

Ronan took in a sharp breath. “Why don’t you just fucking move into Monmouth?”

His words were queued up - angry, sharp, desperate. He didn’t look at Adam.

Adam’s eyebrows rose. “What? Oh, come on… don’t you start with me.”

“I can’t stop thinking about your father showing up at your apartment today. All this time you were fucking freaked out by Cabeswater and the visions, but _he’s_ what you need to get away from.”

“I have a restraining order.”

“And how did that fucking help you?”

“How is moving to Monmouth going to help?”

“One of us would have been there. One of us could have stopped him.” Ronan’s hands were white on the steering wheel.

“Ronan, he didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, but what if he had? What then, Adam?”

 _Adam._ Ronan didn’t call him Adam unless the emotion inside him was so intense it was burning to get it out.

“I’ve lived through it once, I can do it again. And I know how to defend myself now.” Ronan turned to him, and his eyes were haunted. Adam swallowed. “Something weird happened today.”

“Weirder than your asshole father showing up out of nowhere?”

“I hurt him… I mean… Cabeswater hurt him.”

Ronan’s expression grew strange. “Hurt him how?”

“He was about to come close to me, and I didn’t want him to and then…” Adam rubbed the back of his hand. Ronan’s eyes followed the motion. “He opened his hand and there was a thorn in it. In his palm. I think… I think I did that to him.”

“So Cabeswater is finally doing something apart from freaking you the fuck out.”

Adam smiled, and Ronan turned away from him. “You don’t need to worry about me,” Adam said.

Ronan started the car, and drove them to St. Agnes. He proceeded to lay down on Adam’s bed as Adam showered and changed into fresh clothes. Adam felt nervous as he picked up his homework, but when he turned around Ronan was looking out the window, his expression far away and complicated. The fear and anxiety from seeing his father that morning had melted away during work, and now Adam was left with a faint sense of annoyance. Was Ronan going to bring up what had happened the day before?

He nudged Ronan. Ronan moved and Adam sat beside him, the two of them squashed on the bed, their arms pressed together. Ronan was still looking everywhere but at Adam. Adam opened his textbook but found that he couldn’t concentrate on any of the words. His mind was overactive as usual, but instead of analysing and organising, his thoughts were hopping around in excited little bursts. Clearly Ronan had no intention of making any sort of move. He felt the annoyance build up in his gut as Ronan glanced at him and then away. Adam suppressed a frustrated exhale, his calculating mind getting to work on a new problem.

“Did I ever tell you about Blue?” Adam asked, carefully. “About why she never kissed me?”

Ronan looked at him from under his eyelashes, clearly trying to suppress his piqued interest. Adam’s heart picked up speed.

“Apparently, her family predicted that if she kisses her true love, he will die.”

Ronan snorted. “You fucking with me, Parrish?” he asked, and he sounded stiff, not amused.

“What with everything we’ve been through, I don’t think it’s that hard to believe,” Adam said. “She’s right to be scared and take precautions.”

Ronan’s brow furrowed.  

Adam felt like his heart was going to fall out of his chest. “Is it the same thing with you, Ronan?”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Is there some sort of curse on you? Is this is a religion thing?”

“What the fuck are you on about?” Ronan demanded.

Adam swallowed. The words both too hesitant and too eager to get out. “I want to know why you won’t kiss me.”

Ronan froze. “So what is it?” Adam asked, desperately holding on to his feigned nonchalance. “Will I turn into a frog if we kiss, is that it?”

Ronan opened his mouth and then closed it, his eyes wide and terrified. Adam wondered if either of them were breathing.

“What are you…?” Ronan asked. He stopped then tried again. “I don’t…” Ronan pulled himself into sitting position.

Adam could feel his ears growing hot. “I almost did the other day. Kiss you, I mean. In case that uh… wasn’t clear.”

Ronan’s eyes were boring a hole into his skull. Adam forced himself to meet his gaze, and his stomach flipped over.

“I don’t understand,” Ronan managed. “I thought you still liked Blue.”

“No,” Adam breathed.

Ronan’s eyes drifted to his lips. “Adam,” he said.

Ah _fuck._ It should have been a goddamn crime for him to say his name like that. Adam shoved his textbook off his lap and leaned towards Ronan.

The door slammed open and the two of them jumped apart, Adam feeling that now almost familiar feeling of frustration pulse through him as Gansey came bounding through the door.

“There you two are,” he said, smiling. He sat down on the edge of the bed facing the two of them, and tossed a map of Henrietta onto Adam’s lap.

“I think I figured it out,” he said. “We’ve already checked this area for energy readings, and it gave us nothing. But I found out today that the site is a graveyard for animals, which might have been interfering with the signal.” He glanced up and his brow furrowed. “Ronan?” he asked. “Are you alright?”

Adam had to bite the inside of his cheek as Ronan made an animal grunt in response. He couldn’t blame him. He would have probably made the same noise were the question directed at him.  

“Gansey,” Adam said. “Could we do this later? Ronan and I were…” he cleared his throat. “Doing homework.”

“Homework?” Gansey asked, confused. “Ronan?”

“Yeah, it was his idea. He wants to get his grades up.”

Ronan glared at him. “Mentula,” he said. _Dick._ Adam grinned.

This exchange confused Gansey even more. He frowned, shoving his glasses back up his nose. “What?” he asked. “But I thought you’d be excited…”

“Gansey,” Ronan said. “Get the fuck out of here, or I’m going to throw you out.”

Gansey still looked confused, but he made his way over to the door. He was about to say something else when Ronan shoved him out and locked the door behind him. As soon as he turned around Adam pinned him to the door and kissed him.

The kiss was like a forest fire. A spark turned into a full-blown flame that made Adam’s stomach explode with flutters. His skin burned everywhere Ronan touched him. Adam led the way, kissing Ronan gently at first and then more forcefully as Ronan got the hang of it, and then hands were on cheeks and combing through hair and tugging at hems of shirts. They kissed again and again until they had to pull apart, gasping for air.

“Fuck,” Ronan said.

He looked like a mess. Adam loved it.

“So is this…?” Ronan tugged at the bands on his wrist. They were still leaning against the door, foreheads pressed lightly together, breathing laboured.

“Yep,” Adam said, “This is.”

Ronan grinned, and it was one of his rare loose smiles that made his eyes light up; it was wickedness mixed with adoration, mixed with disbelief and child-like, unadulterated happiness. It made Adam’s heart dance giddily.

“But let’s not tell Gansey for a while,” Adam breathed. “You know how he gets. He’ll either get jealous or instantly start planning our wedding.”

“I thought we were going to be straight with each other from now on?” Ronan asked.

Adam shrugged. “We’ve clearly already broken that rule.”

“Fuck off, Parrish,” Ronan said, pulling him in for another kiss.

  
**THE END**  


**Author's Note:**

> Re: future projects, I'll be writing a long fic for Pynch week (end July/beginning Aug), so if you're interested, please look out for that! 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at dollopheadsandclotpoles.tumblr.com. I'm always happy to have people to scream about these losers with!


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